I will get out of here again. Soon. I can't be here any longer. I have no motivation when I'm here. Its like kryptonite. It sucks my power dry. All I want to do is sleep. And maybe eat when I have the appetite. That's all I do when I'm here. That's why I go out so much. I go to someone else house where I don't feel so burdened and weighed down. Where I feel free and can get things done. Or I just go out to go out. I go to the library or downtown. Now that I have no more cash I can't do that. I have to rely on other people to go places. It bothers me even more. I hate relying on people. I'm afraid of using them. Like the only reason they are around or that I hang out with them is just to get something for me. I never want any of my friendships to be that way.

I just need to get out of here.

Change

Hey I haven't posted anything in quite a while but a lot has been on my mind. I used to believe that have faith in yourself and in your dreams were the most important things in life.I cling to them like a little buoy passing me by, just letting it drag me along wherever the sea may. I would follow whatever I felt, and whatever I felt would just be impulse. But then I realize... what am I doing it for, is just to get through life contently, or was there something more? I used to hate every single thing around me, I wanted so much to rip everything to shreds... I mean why not, it seemed like everything around me was out to get me and drag me back to the dark thoughts anyway. I have scars that show that, and no, not some pathetic little cutting my wrist scar. Fangs, blades, claws, bone, glass.. have cut my body and once or twice I've almost died, once i was presumed dead.
I wish that I could have changed at least one thing. I wish I could have made everything better for everyone. Once I became obsessed with it, I was so single minded I saw nothing around me. At one point I became so consumed my fangs raged. I felt caged wanting to tear till the warmth of the flesh dissipated. My claws wanted to rip till there was nothing left to drain. I wanted to destroy till the remains weren't able to be recognized as anything. I became afraid and started biting my nails...
But, things have changed. Thank you.

The Vampire's Reflection

Trying to explain who Vampy is to people is really complicated. I used to think she was this horrible alter-ego that would creep in on me at the late hours of night and influence me to say and do things I would never do. Was Vampy, is Vampy, my id? Does she have no resistance? Impenetrable? Probably not. I feared her, sometimes still do, because she's so headstrong, so brackish. But I think it all makes sense now: Vampy is just a stronger side of me, a part of me repressed because she may just be that detrimental. Repressed, because she reveals my deepest thoughts. I feared her, and still do, because she exposes me in part for who I am, and also for who I am ashamed to be. Her openness and honesty, so curt, so vicious, could be the end of me. But, perhaps, Vampy is the answer I've been looking for. I'm no where near courageous enough to be so brute, so violent in nature. It seems unnatural, and unfair to those around me. That notwithstanding, such an attitude would make it impossible for people to walk all over me, to abuse me, even passively or without intent. Vampy, she's a necessity. She puts people in their place. She stops things before they start, and starts fires I would never have the balls to ignite. I love her, I hate her. I need her, and I could live without her. But how would I live? Would I live, as if it was always Halloween, or would I be just as free?

~Kat

Dreaming

Dreams are special. They make me write, consider. I miss writing a lot. I wish I double majored in English and Psychology. Maybe then things would be right, again. But then I would have twice as many papers to write and I would be so tired I wouldn't be able to dream anymore.

"Connection" and Connection

Why do so many people strive for constant connection? Cell phone calls or texts or email on their phone take priority over face to face conversation. And more and more people are shying away from even talking on the phone. But they need cell phone signal and wireless signal everywhere.
But is it really helping anyone to be connected thru cell phones and the internet. Only emailing and IMing and texting and not having that real connection. But what they really are looking for is real connection. I have found personally more and more striving for that "connection" when what i really need is real, face to face, person to person connection. Though sometimes this cannot be helped if the friend or relative you are talking to has moved away or lives farther than you can travel reasonably. But if you can get there, why not just meet up, and talk, face to face?
Then you can get the person to person contact you need. Maybe even a real hug.
Because this, *hug* just doesn't cut it all the time.

~Zee

Random Thought

Why do they call it sleeping together when no actual sleeping is involved, and sometimes not even a bed?

Random

I wanted to post something. It isn't important. I like oatmeal. I never eat it. Water is good. Mountain Dew Voltage is better. I'm better than you. Get a lemon. Make a tonic. Give me that margarita. Yes I touched it. You know nothing! Popsicles.

~Vampy